The girl who is last to leave the playground when school is done. The boy who is left outside the group, a loner. Someone desperate or in need because of some other crisis going on in their life ... who needs help and understanding and support ... and in the guise of love comes abuse and hurt and betrayal.
It was in this way in the past that 'special' became a dirty word, a word which meant abuse. Specialness abuse creeps in insiduously, so silent, almost like a whisper, you don't recognise it until it is too late and already a part of your everyday life.
It is only today, over the past two years, in the first loving relationship I have ever been in without ties or control or double-meanings, that I have learned finally to trust, and to give freely, knowing in return there will be no pain, no abuse, no betrayal.
And suddenly feeling 'Special' is something very magic, very pure, very innocent, and what comes with it are so many many 'Firsts' ... a first loving kiss meant, a first bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day, a first meal out sitting opposite someone who pulls back the chair for you, holds your coat, opens doors, lets you have your own choice from the menu. All the simple little things probably other people take for granted. But for me ... the heavens open ... the sun pours through ... and the rays are warm and sweet and vibrant, pulsing with new energy and hope, filled with such absolute joy and heightened awareness that I long for the next 'First' to come and grab me and make me feel all of this over again.
In the after-shock of abuse, there are good tmes, positive times, times when suddenly, the past falls away like a bad dream, and in its place there is something beautiful created for today.
Thank you, Tony, for making this day come for me xxx
